Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Maybe this isnt what we planned for....

Whelp.... we just went through our 3rd IVF cycle with yet another failure.... I had so much hope going into this... its unbelievable... but God has other plans for us right now and they are better than anything we could have planned for ourselves.

I had my eggs taken out back in Feb and the RE wanted to do a frozen cycle because that has proved to be more successful. We grew 5 little blast to day 5 and had all 5 biopsied. We were left with 4 when we found out one had a chromosome abnormality. Then we were able to tell the gender.... talk about a second wave of attachment, and a more disappointing loss. We transferred 2 beautiful blast with the help of embryo glue as well as intralipid treatments. We were left last Wednesday 5/7 with tears and racing minds...

How are we ever going to get this child of ours? I have no plans or hopes of trying again, even though we have embryos left. I would consider trying if I was actually getting pregnant, but I'm not. I feel like such a failure it's almost embarrassing. I am not ready for adoption. My heart isn't there yet. I'd like to explore the idea of a gestational carrier. Whether it be someone we are close with or someone who was found, I still want the chance of my child.

What do we do? We pray and know that God will never give us more than we can handle but the load is becoming too much to bare. We can call upon Him and ask if He can take some of the load.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Memorial Day Weekend

Finally!!! A whole weekend off with Rob!!! We are so excited I can barely stand it!!! This is going to be awesome!

My sisters friend comes in tonight on the train. We are so excited for him to come and stay, he's like our little brother! Tomorrow we have a shopping trip planned for the day along with some tourist type things! Rob and I are going to take Guin(the doggy child) to the park in the morning!!

I am trying to convince him to change part of the grass near the house into a flower bed for me! I keep wanting more and more plants! I'm currently trying to root a blue hydrangea from my mothers yard. I have my mother in law giving me plants from there old house. We also have peonies more hydrangeas and iris' at my aunts house. They were my great grandmothers. We(my mother and I) have moved them from house to house until I was old enough for my own! How nice! My great grandmother died probably 16 years ago. It's amazing to be able to have that reminder of her as well as my Nana, aunt, and my mother. Maybe this is another hint babe?!?!? ;)

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Thanks to all of the military personnel and first responders who risk there lives everyday for their family neighbors and citizens. :)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Advice from Daddy..

My father is a man of few words... But when he speaks you def want your listening ears on. He normally has something funny to say or something you will hold close to your heart forever...

Years ago when going to the agility test for the FD my dad texted me and said nothing worth having is easy. I was 18 years old and just taking the advice without knowing the true meaning. Five years later and I am continually reminded of that piece of advice. On a monthly basis I can go back to the statement that he made that one day.

On our wedding day and the months and days leading up to it numerous people told us the same advice. Nothing worth having is easy. Our marriage is amazing. We were told that a marriage is like a full time job and you continuously had to work at it to make it amazing. Our marriage isn't easy all of the time, it's clearly working day after day to build strength. We feel like it is the most amazing thing in the world.

Now that we are having problems having a baby and building our family I am reminded again. I planned on being pregnant soon after marriage. I didn't plan on being held up for infertility treatments. Again I'm reminded of that piece of advice my dad gave me. When we are holding that baby we will be reminded that the journey was worth it.

NOTHING worth having is easy.


Losing the lbs

My doctor obviously would like me to lose weight before this frozen embryo transfer we are doing in July. I've lost 25 lbs since March! :) how exciting! I still would like to lose 15 more before then. We have started going hard core for working out and tightening up on food. Determination and it will happen... I have until 7/5/13. :)

Rob and I had a date day yesterday :) it was very nice to be off together. We did lawn work(my fav), relaxed on the couch, went to the park, and even had dinner out! It was amazing! :) sometimes I love the fact that I appreciate our time together! Our schedules sometimes like up well but some months we are off 10 days together.... I love spending time together.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

You always have a twin out there...

We spent the weekend in Mississippi for my sisters graduation! It wasn't very a relaxing vacation but it was loads of fun! Rob and I had a chance to go golfing together....I really just sat in the golf cart and watched! It was nice to see her friends out there! We drove 14 hours to get home!

Yesterday we picked up our fur baby, and did yard work all day long! It was actually fun. I love being outside and making our yard look amazing... He wants it to be the best on the block... We're close! ;) 

I emailed our doctor last week to keep her in the loop of some things... She responded with the sweetest email EVER! She told me she was at hallmark getting a card for her sons birthday and saw a man that looked like Rob along with a child approx 3 years old. She said this has happened to her numerous times and couples get pregnant! She says this is Gods way of telling her not to let us give up! She wants us to remain optimistic! 

I've been thinking a lot lately and am more optimistic than ever. More than the first time. On one hand that could be great to help me be excited if the FET in July works out! The negative side of things could be that my hopes are so high that I will fall into a depression again this time. I want to give my whole heart to this. I'm probably at 98% realistically. I hope to be at 100% before it happens. My heart wants to believe that wewill be holding a bundle of joy and a miracle in April 2014. 

I lost 6.2 pounds this month. I would like to lose 12-16 more before July 5th which is the transfer of those 2 little 8 cell embryos! 

Have a great week people! 


Friday, May 10, 2013

My hodge podge.....

Having a support system in place probably is the most important thing before starting infertility testing and treatment. The problem is that I was so scared and nervous prior to starting treatment. I didn't want to tell anyone. I'm young. 23 when we started seeing the RE and 24 now. I've had the same reaction from people who I'd consider friends as I did from the OBGYN. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO WORRY.... it was hard to be open with people at first it was almost as if I was ashamed. I'm not ashamed now. We will tell our story to whoever will listen. 

I wish that before I would have known more about this. I have a friend that has gone through this prior to me. She was a huge support, I always called and asked numerous questions. Somehow she was still hopeful for me, and still continues to be. She unfortunately knows the  infertility world all too well. She still is yearning for a baby in her arms.... She will have a gestational carrier that will be going through a FET with us in July as well. They were going to go through in September, but plans have changed. I'm nervous about this process together, but maybe it was intended to be that way. God has a plan for the 6 people and 3 couples involved. I pray for us, and we are walking blindly in this path. 

5 Positive Things That Have Come From Infertility 

- Our marriage is stronger than its ever been... we are a team and we are getting through this together. Far too many couples divorce during infertility. We will NOT be those people. I refuse. 

- My(Lauren) relationship with my mother-in-law is great. She understands me and my frustrations with the process. Rob appreciates her more now than ever. Its amazing to hear a story of what someone went through when they struggle. Then when you walk that same walk its not any easier just a bit different. 

-We are attending church, and more than that we are involved. Its amazing to be in a room with complete strangers and they come up and introduce themselves to you. We have felt a part of the church since day 1. 

-I've learned to slow down, relax, and take time for myself. I had a full time job last year...a part time job... and I went to school full time to finish my Paramedic. I now only work full time. Sometimes when I'm bored and at home alone its a bad thing. I'm learning to enjoy life. 

- My parents have been a huge support and my relationship with them is amazing. I spend the nights with them when my husband is working. I love them SO much. They are supportive, loving, thoughtful, and AMAZING. 


On a side note... on the plane today there were at least 3 babies under 4 months old.... and 3 pregnant women. It's EVERYWHERE! I was positive and was happy for them..they are extremely lucky to have such a blessing... and one day WE will be that lucky too.  Ahh.... I compare it to wanting a new car and driving around town and seeing it everywhere you are! Just like that Jeep babe.. :) 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

"Bloggers block"

Hey everyone, I return for my second post. After the last one I did I didn't think I could post again after all that typing. As Lauren said we are traveling to Mississippi for a graduation which we are excited for! Lauren will fly into the airport here in Tennessee tomorrow morning I will pick her up and we will continue on our way to Mississippi. I sit here in the hotel room just pondering over my iPad on what to blog about tonight, or even if I should blog tonight. As I sat here all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to pick Lauren up and spent time with her, but I felt obligation and need to blog. About what? I don't know, the only thing I can even remotely start to blog about is really starting where I left off. Last post I brought my experiences I have had up to the referral to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist). So let me bring you to our very first appointment.

As Lauren and I were driving to our first appointment I felt nervous and excited. Member from last post I was thinking it was all gravy. As for Lauren I can't speak about how she felt but I couldnt imagine it being much different than my outlook. As we park the car, Lauren and I look at eachother before getting out and I remember this look more than we look at eachother I feel we sent the message to eachother like we are going to get through this one way or another and each of us were not alone at any point. From there I knew that (as I should) do anything and everything in my power to be the best support system for her as possible and not only that but the best patient advocate and always put her feelings first before everything. I was fully committed.

We walk into the waiting room and after signing in we find a couch against the wall. For me it felt like an eternity until they called us back. We walked back and was greeted.......with a first impression of this Dr. was that she really and honestly cared about us being there and I could feel her determination to help us before we even started our consultation. Our meeting went well and we were  scheduled for initial testing that being blood work, ultra sounds, "man" test. It is so hard to recall really how I felt after that first appointment. This has been such an emotional roller coaster that its hard to flip back the pages to the introduction of our "novel". Only thing I can really recall honestly about the initial part of our visits was my pride being violated by the Labcorp. Specimen collector guy calling me to come back and.....yeah you know what I had to do. You know make sure everything was "hunk dory". Probably asking yourself why would you feel violated about that? Well ladies, if you were a man and sitting in a waiting room with a bunch of woman in there and got called back to do a certain deed......awkward is all I can say. When I was in that situation I didn't want to talk about it before and definitely didn't want to talk about it after either. So women, support your man by not talking about it or asking if they had, "good material back there for you". I won't say who said that but I bet if you look at the author on the below post you may find the culprit :). Needless to say after that endeavor everything came back fine. Guys (if any follow) its okay to feel weirded out by that and don't be afraid to tell the woman to politely "put a cap on it" :).

As I still conintue to sit I this hotel room I am hit by "bloggers block". I don't know if its cause I brought up that horrific event I had experienced (sarcasm) or if its just because I am lost on what to type even though there is plenty to say. I guess what I am trying to do with my post is start from the beginning. Play catch up. I feel it's important for me to start from the beginning of our journey because everything about IVF is important. Whether people are just starting out on their infertility journey, at the same point we are, or even further along I feel that if we express how we feel then anyone ever having to go through infertility won't feel alone. I also want to express everything I feel and do as an outlet.

I am sorry for this post being somewhat pointless. Like I said I felt the need to post something. One because I wanted to, but to also reassure Lauren that I am still in this with her and I care about doing this blog together. I am so very excited to be doing this with her and am looking forward to regathering my thoughts and coming to the next post with some actual body to it. I should tell you though that you may wanna have your Dunkin Donuts box O' Joe as I may be lengthy. I may be in a few days cause me using this keyboard on an iPad is just plain ruthless. Maybe my newly graduated
Sister-in-law would let me borrow her computer at some point.